cheese puff strikes again

 A song from my childhood days seems to not want to get out of my head at the moment. It was recorded by Depeche Mode but is not typically their style. I've never heard it playing on the radio or anywhere else in my 8 years in the US, so when I do hear it playing on my iPod, I milk the fucking moment. Here are the words--modified the pronouns a bit, so if you know this song, don't bitch and ruin the moment.

SOMEBODY
by Depeche mode

I want somebody to share
Share the rest of my life
Share my innermost thoughts
Know my intimate details
Someone who'll stand by my side
And give me support
And in return
He'll get my support
He will listen to me
When I want to speak
About the world we live in
And life in general
Though my views may be wrong
They may even be perverted
He will hear me out
And won't easily be converted
To my way of thinking
In fact he'll often disagree
But at the end of it all
He will understand me

I want somebody who cares
For me passionately
With every thought and with every breath
Someone who'll help me see things
In a different light
All the things I detest
I will almost like
I don't want to be tied
To anyone's strings
I'm carefully trying to steer clear
Of those things
But when I'm asleep
I want somebody
Who will put their arms around me
And kiss me tenderly
And things like this
Make me sick
In a case like this
I'll get away with it

::sigh:: I feel much better now. Tee hee.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who likes this song!!!

GAY ASIAN BOYS WHO GO LOW-CARB ON OTHER GAMS: why, oh, why are you repelled by your own kind?

So here I was checkin' out some chatrooms on gay.com (shut up--you do it, too!) and not that I'm surprised, but what is up with the INTRA-racial GAM-a-phobia?

 Where in gay hell have all the "stickies" gone today?

Most of the GAM profiles I had viewed today, as well as in the past, more than likely emphasize on an asian man's pursuit of gwm and/or latino booty. So I decided to perform a little experiment. I made it a point to say hi only to asian men. I sent 20 private messages and got just one response. And all this boy had to say was "sorry, not into asians." 

If this isn't self-loathing, then I'm really Kirstey Alley's famous kankles!

Now I respect everyone's preferences.  But as common as this happens in the US, I still find it silly when an asian boy claims he's not into other asian boys without EVER giving it a shot.

Heck! Even I had a girlfriend for 9 months right before I came out .  A significant part of that decision was to get to know myself better and be able to honestly and confidently claim that I'm REALLY not into women. Selfish, yes--but I was a damn good straight BF! Hehehe. Anyways, I digress...

I'm not asking you boys to go muff-diving anytime soon, but please hear me out.  It's one thing to have a preference, but it's ridiculous for you to not give yourself a chance to know what it's like and be so dismissive towards your own kind like that.

And what is this stigma with GAMs who do like other GAMs? Why does the term "sticky rice" always have such a negative connotation? What is wrong with a man who has appreciation for his own kind?

Now I know I shouldn't be the one to preach. I admit that all my commited relationships had, so far, been with skinny white guys who look nothing like me.  But that doesn't mean I haven't had my serving of white, brown and well, sticky rice. Hehehe. I'm proud to say that I'm not "lo-carb" when it comes to boys. 

HERE'S MY BEEF: there are these gay-sian boys who constantly whine about how Western culture/media portrays us as either neutered or androgynous or simply incapable of being "sexy." Now I would love for the rest of the world to look at and treat me like a piece of meat--but I SERIOUSLY think that should start from our own gay asian community.

Dude, EVEN rice queens have a helping of potato every now and then.

Wake up and smell the kim-chi baby boy! If you can't even appreciate the beauty of your own race, how can you expect others to do the same?

cheese puff

You're waiting for someone
To put you together
You're waiting for someone
to push you away

There's always another
wound to discover
There's always something more
you wish he'd say

He's everything you want
He's everything you need
He's everything inside of you
That you wish you could be

He says all the right things
At exactly the right time
But he means nothing to you
And you don't know why

How sad is it that I find the cheesiest songs to relate to?  I can deal with the loneliness, but the sting of rejection lingers like a clingy bitch.

It's a phase.  I'll feel better tomorrow.

Things I Need to Remember Should I (ever) Be (caught) in a Relationship Again

1. I would willingly take another theatric plunge into the deep, perilous waters that we call “romantic love” with the following provision: a stunt double.  Either this or a manual to go with the next guy who shows up at my doorstep (preferably with Veuve Clicquot and condoms).

 

 2. Honesty is not to be confused with crudeness.  I have gotten myself into so much trouble because of things I would say that are relayed with less tact than an inebriated Joan Rivers.   

 

3.  have yet to master the art of B.S.  The art (and science) of keeping one’s foot at a safe distance from one’s own mouth after having said something so carelessly (or oftentimes deliberately) vile that cannot be undone is a tough skill to learn. Sad to say, one’s opportunity to master this art arises only in real-life situations.  

 

4. I need to avoid (unnecessarily) stressful scenarios.  To define the term, I’d like to quote a poster that I had on my bedroom wall in my years as a closeted “bisexual” struggling to be understood: Stress is what confusion creates when the mind must override the body’s basic desire to choke the living crap out of some idiot who desperately needs it. Too many times I’ve dug my own grave by adding unnecessary stress to my already overfilled handful.  The more irrelevant outside issues a person brings in to the relationship, the harder it is to work things out.  Stress causes acne, too.  So if not for love, honey, do it for vanity.

 

5. Fighting is no good.  This is especially important to remember in the morning when both of you just woke up. That, right there, is a lose-lose scenario.  Carrying on with the battle will equally be unappealing because the exchange results in shouts at close range, leaving room for the probability of suffocating one’s beloved with rockets of spoiled, pungent saliva spewing from an angry morning mouth. Reconciliation would be just as unpleasant since kissing to make up become a bit more challenging when faced with each other’s morning breath.

 

6. Make love, not war.  I know, I know.  Total cliché, eh?  It does not hurt to live by this rule.  Before you roll your eyes on me, consider this: would you rather fight and kill, or would you rather get laid? Would it really be reasonable declare war against him for forgetting to pick you up at the train station because he was too busy partying while you were standing in the freezing snow? Or wouldn’t it be wiser instead to just allow him make it up to you by giving you a nice full-body massage as his way of saying, “I’m sorry that I’m a self-centered little bastard,” a prelude to a wild night of being ravaged by him under the sheets?  I don’t know about you, but I’m really easy. 

 

7. Fighting can be good.   Let’s face it: real couples fight.  So when lovers do quarrel, it is important to look at the bright side.  A big fight almost always ends up with some great make-up sex.  Though “make-up sex,” unfortunately, is not a guarantee (some dorks prefer to cuddle), it is a really good way turning a hopeless situation around (CAUTION: not to be confused with “pity sex.” It hardly makes a difference to me, though, because like I mentioned earlier, I’m REALLY easy).  So a fight can be an effective aphrodisiac if you know what you’re doing.  I think with this in mind, I can either learn to be a lot more forgiving, or be more volatile when I’m extremely horny.

 

8. I need to show appreciation for his friends.  The reason why he has platonic friendships with them and has a romantic relationship with you and only you is mostly because he is least likely to run off with his so-called friends.  The need to work on not being jealous of my (future) partner’s friends is very crucial.  Next to food, this is the best way to his heart.  Besides, I am probably more likely to run off with his friends than he ever will be.

 

9. I need to remember to do #8 in moderation.  Like I said, I am probably more likely to run off with his best friend that he ever will be. So unless you’re meant to be his buddy’s little bitch, try not to run off with any of his friends. You think I’m being redundant, you say?  Well, I think you’re being too nitpicky!  Get over yourself.

 

10. When it feels it’s time for him to go, to let him go.  STOP BEING A CLINGY BITCH! Holding someone back just to make him keep a commitment is the worst thing one can do in a relationship—not just to his lover but also to himself.  To his lover, because of the resentment that will inevitably arise from being held back.  Anger thrives where growth is hindered.  I need to learn to believe myself when I say that if he’s mine, he’s mine.  No matter where he goes or whom he meets, he will find his way home.  If he doesn’t, then I’ll have to just look at this list all over again and get myself ready for the next candidate until I chance upon the one who will stay. 

crocus pocus

My first sighting of the early-spring crocus made me think of him (again). I found the pretty purple flower bud dangling sleepily as Bear and I walked Lucy Liu to the dog run.

"Spring has definitely arrived!" I tugged at Bear's sleeve as I pointed to the crocus in sheer excitement. It was when I stopped to admire the little flower that I realized I no longer had Matt to share that moment.

I was enjoying my very first crocus sighting this year by myself for, well, the first time. It stung a little looking back and thinking about how I found it absolutely adorable every time Matt would take the time to stop and admire something so simple yet gratifying as a tiny flower greeting the early spring.

It was there when things finally started to sink in—I really do miss having Matt around. I gave myself 2 seconds, a good sigh and a shrug before I turned around to catch up with Bear and Lucy.

As weird as it may sound, I appreciate bittersweet mornings like this. The tidal waves of emotion that simultaneously arise do a damn good job of reminding me that I'm capable of feeling anything at all.

I'm not heartbroken at all. In fact, I had been numb for a while now. Part of that has recently been alcohol-induced (not getting drunk—a nice buzz is enough to clear your mind) and mostly because I have been working so hard to control and suppress my emotions for the past year and a half that I’ve ended up having some difficulty feeling anything at times. The alcohol is a short-term refuge on my part and is somewhat inevitable (riiiiiiiight…) as the separation has definitely allowed for time to catch up with friends whom I hadn’t been in decent touch with.

Spring is going to be a bit tough on me. Everything about it will remind me of him. The flowering magnolias, the shy little snowdrop blossoms peeking through the remnants of a miserable winter, tulips dancing along with the cool spring breeze, the fragrance of gardenia and jasmine and the earthy scent of rain as it hits the ground—I’ll just have to brace myself.

Amazing how one little crocus blossom can pack such a strong dose of reality.