So tonight was my last shot to ask James S. out. Been checkin' him out every night in my media planning class all semester and I had planned on giving him my business card after my final presentation. I even wrote some i'm-trying-to-be-so-nonchalant-about-it note on the back with my mobile number.
I felt ready after a kick-ass presentation--he was up next.
I was expecting for him and I to cross paths on my way out while he made his way to the interview room . Professor changed his mind and went back to the holding room to go through his last set of presentations there. So James took a 180 and followed the professor's lead.
But James was right in front of me for 3 flat seconds before that! I could have just handed the damn card to him, smiled, and walked away. But nooooooooo. The boy who calls himself "Frisky" froze like a garden gnome.
I'm so chickenshit.
love,
Frisky McNugget
Friday, May 20, 2005
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
in the company of a (straight) gentleman
Like most gay men I know, carrying on a conversation with another straight man you've just met is not so easy, much less building and sustaining a platonic friendship with him.
For a lot of gay guys, this may come really easy. But for me, it never has. Come to think of it, this “void” is a result of a sheer lack of effort on my part to reach out. If I’m not frozen on one corner with nothing to say, I’m purposefully being obnoxious (my defense mechanism) to intimidate rather than be intimidated.
Both approaches, unfortunately, have yielded the same result.
I have long forced myself out of trying to blend in with straight boys since the day I came out, having lived most of my childhood and teen life trying to be “just one of the goddam boys.”
I've cornered myself into having mostly gay men and women to call my friends.
So I made a pact with myself this year that I would make an effort to gain more straight guy friends and widen my social horizon. The first few months have been tough on me that I hadn't really bothered to hold myself to my own promise.
To make matters even more challenging, a recent one-night stand with a known straight guy left me questioning my motive. Was I in this because of the possibility of ending up in bed with a straight man (and bask in the glory my conquest) or are my intentions really noble?
Hanging out with my 2 new straight roommates have been a hoot so far. I’m at least finally able to sit down at a pub, watch baseball and enjoy mug after mug of stale beer. But the way these dudes act around me, I’m getting the impression that they STILL don’t know I’m gay. Now I don’t know if it’s because my roommates are totally clueless or if they’re just ridiculously polite since I know I can tip anyone’s gaydar from miles away.
To their defense, I haven’t really opened up to them about it. Don't get me wrong--I am proud to be gay, but I refuse to let my sexual orientation define me! I don't walk into a room and yell out "I'm gay" at every chance I get. It's just like walking up to them and saying I'm a big scrabble freak. Haha. There is more to me than just being gay. So how am I supposed to do it? Sit them down like I did my parents and come out to them? Simply not my style. I want it to just casually come out because it really isn't AND shouldn't be a big deal.
So for a sec there, I got even more confused: I am shoving myself back in the closet just to be able to hang with straight guys? The progress I was making felt more like I had taken two giant steps back. ::lament:: :: lament::
Today, however, was different. I came home feeling a lot less confused.
I had spent most of the afternoon and the early part of this evening having a series of good discussions with a straight male coworker during this afternoon trip our boss had invited us to. The conversation carried on at our team dinner as we celebrated some collective and individual triumphs (including my upcoming graduation).
Somehow, I’m totally comfortable opening up to this guy—something I hadn’t allowed myself to enjoy in a long time. I’ve hung out with him and some colleagues before but never really took the time to get to know him and not to sound corny, but I was amazed that I’d confided as much as I did in him tonight. With him, I didn’t have to paint my face another color to hold his interest--he was respectful as he was irreverent, but never offensive.
The best part of this whole deal is the fact I didn't get the "special" treatment from him that I usually get from my interactions with straight guys--you gay boys know what I mean: the caution, the distance and the fear that I might hit on them.
What the hell is it anyway with most straight guys who think that just because I'm gay, I'd hit on anyone who has a dingdong? I digress--this will have to be another blog.
I'm happy about today because satisfaction that I feel right now arises not from the fact that I had just made some connection with a hot guy. It is because I genuinely feel that I had noble intentions the whole time I was with him—that I am actually beginning to believe that I am capable of establishing a platonic connection with a legitimate straight man without scaring him away.
Now I wonder if this is something I can sustain.
For a lot of gay guys, this may come really easy. But for me, it never has. Come to think of it, this “void” is a result of a sheer lack of effort on my part to reach out. If I’m not frozen on one corner with nothing to say, I’m purposefully being obnoxious (my defense mechanism) to intimidate rather than be intimidated.
Both approaches, unfortunately, have yielded the same result.
I have long forced myself out of trying to blend in with straight boys since the day I came out, having lived most of my childhood and teen life trying to be “just one of the goddam boys.”
I've cornered myself into having mostly gay men and women to call my friends.
So I made a pact with myself this year that I would make an effort to gain more straight guy friends and widen my social horizon. The first few months have been tough on me that I hadn't really bothered to hold myself to my own promise.
To make matters even more challenging, a recent one-night stand with a known straight guy left me questioning my motive. Was I in this because of the possibility of ending up in bed with a straight man (and bask in the glory my conquest) or are my intentions really noble?
Hanging out with my 2 new straight roommates have been a hoot so far. I’m at least finally able to sit down at a pub, watch baseball and enjoy mug after mug of stale beer. But the way these dudes act around me, I’m getting the impression that they STILL don’t know I’m gay. Now I don’t know if it’s because my roommates are totally clueless or if they’re just ridiculously polite since I know I can tip anyone’s gaydar from miles away.
To their defense, I haven’t really opened up to them about it. Don't get me wrong--I am proud to be gay, but I refuse to let my sexual orientation define me! I don't walk into a room and yell out "I'm gay" at every chance I get. It's just like walking up to them and saying I'm a big scrabble freak. Haha. There is more to me than just being gay. So how am I supposed to do it? Sit them down like I did my parents and come out to them? Simply not my style. I want it to just casually come out because it really isn't AND shouldn't be a big deal.
So for a sec there, I got even more confused: I am shoving myself back in the closet just to be able to hang with straight guys? The progress I was making felt more like I had taken two giant steps back. ::lament:: :: lament::
Today, however, was different. I came home feeling a lot less confused.
I had spent most of the afternoon and the early part of this evening having a series of good discussions with a straight male coworker during this afternoon trip our boss had invited us to. The conversation carried on at our team dinner as we celebrated some collective and individual triumphs (including my upcoming graduation).
Somehow, I’m totally comfortable opening up to this guy—something I hadn’t allowed myself to enjoy in a long time. I’ve hung out with him and some colleagues before but never really took the time to get to know him and not to sound corny, but I was amazed that I’d confided as much as I did in him tonight. With him, I didn’t have to paint my face another color to hold his interest--he was respectful as he was irreverent, but never offensive.
The best part of this whole deal is the fact I didn't get the "special" treatment from him that I usually get from my interactions with straight guys--you gay boys know what I mean: the caution, the distance and the fear that I might hit on them.
What the hell is it anyway with most straight guys who think that just because I'm gay, I'd hit on anyone who has a dingdong? I digress--this will have to be another blog.
I'm happy about today because satisfaction that I feel right now arises not from the fact that I had just made some connection with a hot guy. It is because I genuinely feel that I had noble intentions the whole time I was with him—that I am actually beginning to believe that I am capable of establishing a platonic connection with a legitimate straight man without scaring him away.
Now I wonder if this is something I can sustain.
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