drunken 4am loser blog

It's 4 am and I'm drunk off my ass. I know. Shame on me. Tonight's overindulgence in alcohol was a necessary evil. I just have to remember to take 5 Advil before I go to bed.

Why is it so hard to let go of a smile that means the world to you, even if you know it's not yours to keep?

Being around him gives you so much joy that the mere thought of distance and disconnection from him is asphyxiating. Though he is your fix, you respect that he may never be fixated on you. You were fine with that--you didn't have a choice.

You then chose friendship to save yourself from a heartbreak.

But because you'd give anything to kiss him again, you realize that it is the friendship itself that breaks your stupid heart the instant you see him kissing someone else.

As you shrug it off and fake your nonchalance, you die inside.

The only shoulder you want to cry on already has a happy head resting on it. In the next few minutes, the growing well of tears in your eyes will help merge those two figures into a single silhouette. You will then have to turn your back and drown the screaming inside your head with alcohol as they leave the room--together.

You are alone. Again.

There is no one to blame but yourself, so self-pity is not an option. All you can do is gulp more beer and smile at the thought that he is happy. And you do because you can almost see that addictive smile on his beautiful face.

I'm a sucker for his smile.