"out of my league"

On the way home from yet another Jay Brannan show, my good friend, BA was telling me about this new boy he met over the weekend:

"So we were at Phoenix when I bumped into this friend of mine I hadn't seen in a while. He's one of those I consider as being "way out of my league" because he's so beautiful, but I met his friend and we totally hit it off."

I couldn't remember the rest of his story because I was so stuck on what he had just said. Mind you, BA, is the kind of person you'd totally enjoy hanging out with because he is totally comfortable in his own skin. For as long as I've known him, I've never seen him not pursue a guy he's interested in. It kind of shocked me to hear that he would even think someone was too good for him.

Perhaps I misunderstood him. Or maybe he simply was being realistic--honest (like he always is) by this seemingly innocent, unloaded acknowledgement. He clearly wasn't fishing. BA's not one to fish for compliments. I don't know. But I couldn't help but do an impromptu self-examination.

As self-deprecating and ridiculously insecure as I can be at times, I've never thought anyone would ever be "out of my league." Not trying to sound like a cocky bastard. Not at all. I know there are drones of people out there who don't and will never have the slightest bit of attraction to me, but I always assume that it's because I'm not for those people and they're not for me. A simple mismatch.

I have never really looked at or thought of someone and told myself that I'm not up to par. My shyness stems from the fear of disappointment. I do understand that such fear can be triggered by feelings of inadequacy. But I hardly feel inadequate--it's more like I so quickly hype myself up over a crush that I end up speechless. Then I stand there like an idiot with a matching idiot smile on my face. It has happened numerous times before, and yes, the feeling of disappointment lingers: "why did I not say anything to him?!" or "of all the things I could have said, did I really have to talk about that rash?"

When it comes to MERE physical attraction and compatibility, I don't always believe a person can be too good for anyone. In fact, as I had mentioned before, I don't really think about it that way.

Some people will always find you attractive, a lot more people won't. But does that necessarily mean you're not good enough?

In my case, I guess I never really made any effort to find out. I'm so chickenshit when it comes to approaching any guy I'm attracted to that I don't even entertain the possibility that I could be good enough for him.

Is it possible that I may have the wrong understanding of the term, "out of my league?" Or is because I had never tried to acknowlege such a sentiment?

I guess I'll have to try and be more aware of what I'm really thinking next time. Good luck doing that with my A.D.D.

Ooooh--look! Gum!